mental note.

this whole process is a working progress.

before my lifestyle changed, i didn't recognize everything that goes into loosing weight.  i simply thought about being thinner.  i didn't think about all the other components such as having to buy new clothes (from head to toe-outside and underneath), my patience being tested every single day, thinking about food more then i already did, planning more then i do on a daily basis, attempting to accept complements (never have been good at compliments).... i wasn't prepared for the psychological game.  of course i love all the physical effects of weight loss. i love fitting in clothes i have never fit in before or trying on my old size just to get more confirmation that i really have gone this far.  but now its time to deal with the psychological effects of the weight loss.

7.4.2011-6.1.2012

to be honest, when i look in the mirror i see me, the old me, the 30+ pounds ago me.  some mornings i wake up and i feel thinner but then i look in the mirror and i see old me- 7 months ago me. it immediately takes me to a bad place... a sad place.  a place where i feel like everything i have done has been worthless.  when i speak about these feelings to friends/family, they tell me i am crazy.  they are shocked that i dont see what they see.  but i dont.  sometimes i have to talk myself into thinking it instead of actually feeling it.  i have tried very hard to think of things that will help me SEE it intern helping me FEEL it.  thankful for apps- i recently decided to do side-by-side shots of myself... i have done a few so far and it really does help me SEE that there are results and everything i am putting into this is paying off!  but once i look away from the picture or after a few days of not seeing the picture i go right back into my unhealthy mental state. i really want to be positive and look up and forward.
i recently talked to one of my very best friends after a huge closet meltdown.  nothing fits.  yes, i know this is a good issue but then my meltdown goes even further bc i know that this is a good issue. i hate spending money. i used to hate shopping.  now i love shopping but still hate spending money. she suggested i set a side a realistic budget and get some new clothes.  clothes for now and worry about 2 months later.  she reminds me that of course i am not going to feel great when i'm still wearing an XtraLarge shirt when i should be wearing a Medium-Small.  sometimes i need these reminders.  from friends, strangers and even my family.  this is all called support and is sometimes hard to find.